Thursday, 22 February 2018

Looking Back

I wrote this post a year and a half ago and didn't post it. Today, as I was searching through some of my old blogs (yep, I have several of these bad boys), I rediscovered this gem and couldn't help but post it. Not that I'm blogging again, but I felt it deserved to be put out there. My teenage self appears have some wisdom afterall.

I started this blog back in 2013. That was three and a half years ago! So I decided it was about time I privatised some of those ancient blogs in order to forget the cringiness of my past self.

We all do it. Someone tags us in a photo from 2009 and we instantly reach for that untag button. How dare they post such a monstrosity. That was taken in a time before SnapChat filters and when the art of contouring was only known by those who attended beauty school. No-one looked their best and we shouldn't have to constantly faced with the fear of these ghastly images reemerging on social media. Throw-back Thursday's and Facebook's 'On This Day' feature has me permanently paranoid. We just aren't that person anymore and God-forbid anyone who didn't know us back then discovering that awful emo-esque fringe. Why was I even allowed in front of a camera?

So, in a similar sense, I thought by removing every post from 2013-2014 would enable me to start afresh. I'm not who I was back then anymore and in order to move on and progress I thought forgetting those years ever happened would set me on the right track. It's like your profile picture, you change that fairly frequently to best represent you at that moment, theoretically. And I can guarantee if you looked back to your profile picture from about three years ago, you'd feel the same way.

However, when I started to shift through my old post, I re-read them and my opinion began to change. Yes, the image quality is shocking and the spelling mistakes are truly unforgivable, but they weren't that bad. It was blatantly obvious the effort I put into making each one and how much I enjoyed creating them that I just couldn't hit 'revert to draft'. 

I wanted to hide these posts as I was embarrassed by their childish aesthetic and poorer quality content. If you look back (which I cannot stress that is NOT what I am inviting you to do) I appear to really fancy myself as a teenage blogging sensation who totally knew whats-what in the fashion and make-up industry when, in reality, I can't tell the difference between bronzer and contour. I feel quite the fraud. But by hiding these post doesn't stop the fact they existed and only denies my past self of the time and extreme effort I put into this blog. I had so much fun making this and I feel I have lost that edge slightly.

There's very much a pressure to look slick and professional in your online presence and I am very much guilty of that. It's easy to become overly concerned with your appearance both in reality and online. Often the first action undertaken after meeting someone for the first time is finding their social media accounts for an immensely important stalking session. Meeting people online before real-life is pretty much the norm now and the importance of creating a good impression now rests on the internet, so can one really be blamed for this most likely unhealthy investment of our virtual presense?

Vanity. Vanity is the enemy of the day. Just because I wouldn't write a mascara review today (honestly I have no authority in directing people what make-up is actually worth investing in) doesn't mean I shouldn't embrace the fact that 16 year-old Tas totally thought she could. Just because people I meet now wouldn't recognise me from all those years ago, I shouldn't deny the fact that that used to be me, nor should I feel embarassed or ashamed if people don't like that. No, I wasn't cool. Nor was I particularly intelligent or driven, but it's lead me here. If I hadn't started out with posts that I would now consider as cringey and not very original or good, I very much doubt I would be writing this today. 

I'm sure in three years time I will think the exact same way about this post. But reverting this blogs origins to drafts just isn't the way to get the fresh start I'm craving.

Tasmin X

Thursday, 11 August 2016

So... How Have You Been?

Razma-what? Oh HER! Yeah... Who is she?

So it's been awhile... 

I've been back in Guernsey for awhile after returning from University and it feels like I've hit a brick wall. Everything is different yet exactly the same from when I left just under a year ago. It's all been a bit over-whelming for me and I've had a hard time finding my feet again. I've been trying to write this post for the best part of about three months and I just struggled to get success. I really feel I lost my way with this blog and I'm unsure exactly how to resurrect it. I feel I've drifted so far from here that I no longer feel confident on this media format. I'm extremely nervous posting this and I really shouldn't- it's nothing I haven't really done before and let's face, no ones actually reading.

As I've mentioned previously, I have spent the majority of this year at University and having an absolute blast. I took a foundation year which, put in the most simplest terms possible, is like a very vague introduction to the art and design spectrum, specialising in one area in which the final grade is assessed upon. It was intense and stressful as so much had to be packed into such a small amount of time. This was partnered with the pressure of choosing the right specialism and applying for degrees as well as trying to look after myself for the first time ever. It wasn't easy, however I passed with top grade, specialising in photography, and will now progress to the degree in September. I'm so excited and bursting with pride. A year ago I was convinced going to uni would be my demise. I was extremely nervous leaving home. However it has completely changed me for the better. I have far more confidence than ever before and I'm truly happy.

Which is all well and good but when it has prevented me from doing my hobbies such as blogging, I have to reassess exactly what I can squeeze into my timetable. 

Blogging's a very strange experience. You allow yourself to pour your inner monologue un-interrupted and then you're given the opportunity to edit your own thoughts before publishing them on the internet for complete strangers. All in the hopes that someone is on the same wavelength as you or engages even the slightest interest in what you have to say. I think that's why it's so important to me. I live in a very small world where I am constantly battling to speak what's on my mind. Here there is no battle and I feel free to be myself.

Okay, that's all cool and that but you haven't exactly spent the past six months blogging have you Tas? I'm really starting to reconsider the inner monologue of my inner monologue, but that's drifting from my point. I stopped blogging as I needed to prioritise my studies. University had to come first and I think that is completely understandable. I was also conflicted on exactly what I wanted to blog about- do I continue doing ramble-ly posts like this or do I completely focus on my photography? Is there a way I can combine both without posts feeling random and inconsistent? Does consistency really matter? Or am I over thinking completely trivial stuff (as per usual)? This is still something I am contemplating and without a doubt will still be debating for a long time. 

Anyway, it's not strictly true to say I haven't been blogging at all during my studies. I incorporated my fascination with the social media format into my projects, using it as proof of documentation of the design process and evaluating my progress on my final project (work of which I fully intend on sharing here at some point). I know, enthralling stuff. Hence why it was published onto a different blog. But maybe that's what I want to turn this into. Maybe this could be my little photographic paradise discussing the basics of photography and the design process whilst documenting the development of my own work and ideas. That's an idea I'll save for later.

Anyway, I'm back and I plan to keep it that way for the time being. Who knows where this old blog will be heading but part of the fun of it is not knowing. So stay tuned! Or not. I'm not going to force you... Or will I? Oh my gosh Tas stop talking!

Tasmin X

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

I Survived My First Term

I got back to rainy ol' Guernsey Monday afternoon and I already feel lost without my uni crew. I get left alone a lot here whereas I am constantly surrounded by people back at uni. It's a bit of a shock and I used to think I was okay, even happy with the solitude, but now it's a little lonely.

Before September, it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was unhappy. I had been for a rather long time. But since moving to uni, I'm genuinely happy and I think my new friends are the reason.

I have a great group of friends. The best friends I've ever had. We refer to ourselves as a squad and we all kinda just clicked instantly. I think the fact that we are all so far from home and still learning to fend for ourselves has made us all bond so quickly. I won't go into great detail on them all as I'm not entirely sure how comfortable they are with me talking about them online like this (most don't know about this old thing I try and pass as a blog) but they are all lovely people with a collectively great sense of humour. We stay up late chatting and playing card games together. We have flat jams where my flatmates play their guitar and ukulele as well as many parties. Yes the stereotype is true, there is always a party somewhere in uni halls and I've done my best to fully experience uni life- always with some friends by my side. 

I couldn't have asked for a better start to uni and I never imagined I would be having this much fun or make so many incredible friends. I'm just having the time of my life and I don't want it to stop. I need to stop with the cliche cheesiness but it's true, I'm having the best time. It's great to come and catch up friends and family but I am so excited to go back.

Tasmin x

Sunday, 6 December 2015

Please Let Me Study Photography

The question as to why I enjoy photography isn’t one I tend to ponder over, I just accept the fact that it has become part of my routine. I find that I have the same attitude to most of my habits; blogging, social media and writing a diary. Why am I constantly fixated on these specific things? I brush over the thought as to why and have become accustomed to just going with the flow. However, that isn’t acceptable for a UCAS personal statement and I am forced to look into my deeper thoughts more closely, and expose them, in the hopes complete strangers will be into that and let me study at their institution.

A photo is, quite literally, a snapshot of time. It captures a moment that may never be repeated ever again. In a split second, your camera has the power to store a unique happening of absolutely anything- is that not just the coolest thing imaginable. Your cameras, phones and whatever else can create an image has the power to capture a moment in time for you to be able to relive the memory over and over again, all in the blink of an eye. The concept is mind-boggling and not that long ago, everyday people like you and I did not carry such wizardry in our coat pocket.

Cameras are far more easy to get hold of nowadays and the idea of capturing life realistically isn’t the only focus of photography. Everything can be manipulated and a single image can be read in a variety of different ways. It’s an art-form which can trick it’s audience into believing in a fake reality whilst being fun and playful but also harrowing and frightening. It’s this mixed bag of endless possibilities which makes my head feel likes it going to explode. There are so many different directions photography can take you and I am tempted by every path.

However, this still doesn’t answer my question. And, as always, I found my answer whilst mindlessly doing one of my habits: writing my diary. I was shocked by how much I had rambled on about a rather uneventful party; I was trying to understand why I enjoyed just zoning out for half an hour to recall my ongoings. I slowly realised it’s the physical action of doing these things that actually benefits me. It's a way of processing thoughts, documenting experiences and enables me to reflect upon life. I have an obsession of tracking everything: I started a diary so I would remember my time at University for many years to come. I have a need to remember everything. I feel immense guilt if I have forgotten even the most minor detail or something as trivial as someone’s name. I can not help it, it’s who I am. And I guess this is why I like photography, it’s an instant way of documentation with a slight creative twist the artistic side of me craves.

Now, how do I word that for UCAS…

Tasmin x

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Freshers, Flu and the Best Flatmates of All

India, Guernsey, Taiwan, Japan, Brazil and United Kingdom. A.k.a The Flamily (Flat-family...get it?)
So it has been awhile since I last blogged but I swear it has been cray busy here. But since I have managed to find a rare spare moment I thought I'd do a little update.

I am in the final project of the first stage of my foundation course which is insane and it's going so quickly. We have three two-week projects in this first stage, each focusing on either art, design or media processes and, to be honest, I've not been too confident with my first two projects. I won't bore you with all the details but there are major factors in those projects that I really hope I can change and overcome in this final project of media. I think this will be my best one as it's generally photography and that is my favourite.

Moving onto freshers and I am afraid to say that the stay-at-home-all-day Tas we all know and love was very much the same as Freshers Tas. I had Freshers Flu- genuine illness which I've only just fully got over- pretty much forced me to stay in most of the time. I did attend a few events which I did enjoy but they were crowded and I have a tendency to get lost in nightclubs- something that is terrifying in a place you don't know very well with people you've barely met. Nevertheless, I survived and will be making up for the fail of a fresher I have been this year when it come to next year as a degree student. Exciting times, but lets not get too far ahead of ourselves, there's still plenty to look forward to this year.

I can't believe it's very nearly been two months since I left the safety of Guernsey and ventured off to uni. I can't remember what it looks like. Sometimes I really want to go home but other times I just love being here, fending for myself. I also have the best flatmates anyone could ask for who are currently organising my joint birthday party. One of my flatmates birthday is just a couple of days before mine so we are joining forces for one massive flat party. I am not looking forward to the clean up aftermath. It'll be so strange not being home for my birthday so this is definitely the distraction I need.

I hope you are all well. Let me know how you've been in the comments and I promise I'll be back way sooner than you think. (Okay, let's not get your hopes up, I'd give it a fortnight!)

Tasmin x