Thursday, 22 February 2018

Looking Back

I wrote this post a year and a half ago and didn't post it. Today, as I was searching through some of my old blogs (yep, I have several of these bad boys), I rediscovered this gem and couldn't help but post it. Not that I'm blogging again, but I felt it deserved to be put out there. My teenage self appears have some wisdom afterall.

I started this blog back in 2013. That was three and a half years ago! So I decided it was about time I privatised some of those ancient blogs in order to forget the cringiness of my past self.

We all do it. Someone tags us in a photo from 2009 and we instantly reach for that untag button. How dare they post such a monstrosity. That was taken in a time before SnapChat filters and when the art of contouring was only known by those who attended beauty school. No-one looked their best and we shouldn't have to constantly faced with the fear of these ghastly images reemerging on social media. Throw-back Thursday's and Facebook's 'On This Day' feature has me permanently paranoid. We just aren't that person anymore and God-forbid anyone who didn't know us back then discovering that awful emo-esque fringe. Why was I even allowed in front of a camera?

So, in a similar sense, I thought by removing every post from 2013-2014 would enable me to start afresh. I'm not who I was back then anymore and in order to move on and progress I thought forgetting those years ever happened would set me on the right track. It's like your profile picture, you change that fairly frequently to best represent you at that moment, theoretically. And I can guarantee if you looked back to your profile picture from about three years ago, you'd feel the same way.

However, when I started to shift through my old post, I re-read them and my opinion began to change. Yes, the image quality is shocking and the spelling mistakes are truly unforgivable, but they weren't that bad. It was blatantly obvious the effort I put into making each one and how much I enjoyed creating them that I just couldn't hit 'revert to draft'. 

I wanted to hide these posts as I was embarrassed by their childish aesthetic and poorer quality content. If you look back (which I cannot stress that is NOT what I am inviting you to do) I appear to really fancy myself as a teenage blogging sensation who totally knew whats-what in the fashion and make-up industry when, in reality, I can't tell the difference between bronzer and contour. I feel quite the fraud. But by hiding these post doesn't stop the fact they existed and only denies my past self of the time and extreme effort I put into this blog. I had so much fun making this and I feel I have lost that edge slightly.

There's very much a pressure to look slick and professional in your online presence and I am very much guilty of that. It's easy to become overly concerned with your appearance both in reality and online. Often the first action undertaken after meeting someone for the first time is finding their social media accounts for an immensely important stalking session. Meeting people online before real-life is pretty much the norm now and the importance of creating a good impression now rests on the internet, so can one really be blamed for this most likely unhealthy investment of our virtual presense?

Vanity. Vanity is the enemy of the day. Just because I wouldn't write a mascara review today (honestly I have no authority in directing people what make-up is actually worth investing in) doesn't mean I shouldn't embrace the fact that 16 year-old Tas totally thought she could. Just because people I meet now wouldn't recognise me from all those years ago, I shouldn't deny the fact that that used to be me, nor should I feel embarassed or ashamed if people don't like that. No, I wasn't cool. Nor was I particularly intelligent or driven, but it's lead me here. If I hadn't started out with posts that I would now consider as cringey and not very original or good, I very much doubt I would be writing this today. 

I'm sure in three years time I will think the exact same way about this post. But reverting this blogs origins to drafts just isn't the way to get the fresh start I'm craving.

Tasmin X

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